Curious fans often ask, "Where do those guys come from?", and then "Can they go back there?" So, in response to a couple of requests, The Umbilical Brothers were asked by this publication to sit down and write something serious about themselves. With this in mind, they set about composing the paragraph you are about to read...
After several weeks of creative meetings and consultations with famous writers we managed to come up with the words you are presently perusing. However, some of the adjectives we used to describe ourselves cannot be printed, as they are potentially libelous. The Umbilical Brothers have no intention to sue themselves and so must terminate the paragraph here. We hope this has clarified any questions you may have had.
The biographical details Shane gave us are slightly questionable, but here goes:
Born twelve thousand years ago on the planet Zargoth, Shane was raised by space bunnies until he was old enough to hop on his own. Hoping to make a name for himself in the Quargo System as a hard-bitten space mercenary, he trained at the Lenny Spiegelman Academy for Astro Cadets. (Don't try and find it today, the site was bought out by a roller disco, which subsequently burnt to the ground.)
It was during his first training mission that he pressed the wrong button and ejected himself to Earth, landing in his "parents" backyard in suburban Australia, which is not unlike his home planet. There he spent many happy years mowing lawns and watching television - often simultaneously. It is rumoured that he worked in a paramilitary organisation in the mid-eighties, possibly the Brownies, but details are understandably sketchy.
Shane continued to harbor dreams of space cadetship and came to the conclusion that if he couldn't fly for real, he could at least pretend - either in a loony bin or on stage. It was in that loony bin he met David, his brother and comrade in stupid ideas. The rest is history. Shane has twenty-seven sisters and an imaginary friend called Bruce, who is apparently a blue rhino. Shane has never been to the Oscars, unless you count the open day, which he found quite impressive.
Due to information compression, David's biographical details have been slightly abridged:
David is a graduate of NIDA (Ned Ingleburn's Drama Academy).
(Invisible person upstage)
The Umbilical Brothers are very pleased to have added Enid to the cast. Her technical expertise is a major factor in the execution and success of their productions. Even though she has no dialogue, Ms Smeck is the only actor on stage for all of the shows. She hopes that her appearances will leave an impression on producers who may be able to fund her future personal projects. Film & TV work include The Horse Whisperer, the pilot to Starsky & Hutch 2000, and the short-lived children_s series Snorty the Blowfish. Theatre credits include the off-off Broadway production of Otters!
Ms Smeck is purely fictitious.
Charlie "Gonzie" Maconnel*
(Original Invisible person upstage)
After a successful career in vaudeville, "Gonzie" took this role, but soon lost it due to audiences complaining they could see him. The Creators decided that a fictitious actor would be more appropriate, and would almost certainly draw less focus.
*Mr McConnell appears in the credits for legal reasons, and will continue to do so pending legal action.